if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He passed out mid-signature
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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