Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
