i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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