you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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