Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
