I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
