You smell like a Billy Joel song
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
