How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
