when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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