Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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