Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
