life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
dude. I can hear the air.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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