I CAN MOONWALK!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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