thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
