apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
