ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
