i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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