peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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