I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
