You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
