My sheets look like a crime scene.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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