he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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