i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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