dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you win again, gameday.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
