what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
