U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
