I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
