if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
its not stalking. its research.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
