My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
