highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
