is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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