I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
