there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
