On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
