Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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