I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
