My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
