I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
