Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
