You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There r osticjed everywhere
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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