You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
