it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
