Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
