I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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