Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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