Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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