Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
