Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
