so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
