Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
