my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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