I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
